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(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2005|11:30 pm]
[mood |indifferentindifferent]
[music |Humming coldplay in my hed]

Im sitting here............. My head is half alive and half numb. I've surpressed some things that can't find their way out. (got that sounds like i'm constipated) no... really.. that's not what i meant. Hmm. I have the neeed for speeeed. Literally in once sense and not literally in another. I'm feeling semi-surpressed, a part of me isn't being allowed to breath. Rather...... not looked upon as something good to do, so i don't do it. Looking at that sentence baffles me as i read it over, nobody tells me what to do. That sentence actually makes me angry. Angry at myself. But i'm stuck..... be all of me or part of me. part of me can be loved... but can the other part also? If i am all of myself will I lose something I care so much for? We're different. In different ways.. different but so the same. I'm feeling anxious...................... biting my lip and smoking cigarettes. Wishing i had some pot. Yes... i did say i wish i had some pot. Pills may be sufficient.. but we'll see. I'm something seen as a bad *nono* to this person when i openly forget to shut my mouth. I think about this... as I think about my past. About me being something that i wasnt. It ended up in the worst unhappiness imaginable. I don't want to repeat history.My history seems to have disappeared in the reality sense.... really........ it's strange. They're gone it seems.

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(no subject) [Sep. 30th, 2004|07:32 pm]
Moon drops and
Cherry kisses
I'm happy!

Miracles can happen.

What happened to me? My world has been turned upside down.

It's almost scary..... A feeling i hardly even recognize.
It's perfect for now.
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2004|08:11 pm]
[mood |highhigh]
[music |garbage]

*Lyrics I heard today*  self explanitory

I was so wasted.
I was a hippie, I was a burn out.
I was a drop out, I was out of my head.
I was a surfer, I had a skateboard.
I was so heavy metal, I lived On the Street.
I was so wasted.
I was so fucked up, I was so messed up.
I was so screwed, I was out of my head.
I was so jacked up, I was so drunk up.
I was so knocked up, I was out of my head.
I was so wasted.
I was wasted.

Someday, I'll feel no pain.
Someday, I won't have a brain.
They'll take away the part that hurts,
and let the rest remain.
Fix me! Fix my head.
Fix me please? I don't wanna be dead.
Someday We'll all be rich.
Someday I won't listen to you bitch.
I tell 'em to follow and you can listen to
all the shit we play just for you.
Fix me! Fix my head.
Fix me please? I don't wanna be dead.
I'm fixing
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2004|07:55 pm]
[mood |highhigh]
[music |garbage]

writing..... Yes I am.

I apologized, joe apologized. Everything seems good. In that area of my

I am excited...... A major event is coming up in my life. I am
venturing to chicago.

Like a silly groupie following her favorite band....

Me and Joe are to see Kill Hannah at the metro in chicago. I've never
been to chicago

i'm a chicago virgin........ It's  going to be an experience!!!!!!!

I'm going to surrender the weekend and indulge in everything that makes
me happy.

I made a painting..... I had never actually painted before. It's
strange but I like it.

I'm undergoing a lot of strange emotions lately.

I'm excited about the trip, I'm driving up to my aunts first in
illinois friday night.... saturday

is the concert, on the eighteenth. I saw kill hannah here in St.louis
about a month and a half ago..

joe went too. And he actually enjoyed himself. I didn't think it was
his cup of tea but I was wrong.

Maybe the comformative are convertable?

The last concert was an incredible vibe. I can't really describe it,
but as a massive energy ball

that gives you an incredible high. I felt belonged.

In a mass crowd of rejects from the rejected. I'm in the middle. And
I'm not alone after all.

It makes me feel good. Powerful almost.  I can be me. Nothing
inbetween. Simply me. And it's ok.

I drove today. drove and drove and drove and sucked in the nice air

And i felt good.

I want to drive and drive forever until i end up who knows where, but
this chicago trip maybe

will ease my wanting to escape.

I am wondering if Joe will ask me what it is that's so wrong with me.

I've known him for five years.

But he doesn't catch hints very easily.

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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2004|02:16 am]
[mood |extremelyshitty]

Everything inside of me is wrong.
This morning i felt so much better.
But tonight it all just snapped. Just like it always has. But i think i've really lost it this time. I'm too tired to gather the ruins of my exlosion and peice myself back to something that resembles me. Because it never really was me.
I hate people.
I hate people.
Everyday I think i hate people even more. They are so awfully mean to eachother, they're judgemental in nature and their perspectives are frivolous and small.

I thought about myself today. About who i used to be. And who I am now.
I counted down the explosions until it's just me and joe.
I thought to myself what I would do if I lost joe.

And the answer to that thought was That then i would be most utterly alone.

Today I think I was fragile...
I'm not totally sure why.
I felt myself being judged without words, Sitting on that couch I could feel it radiating in my entirety. I usually ignore it with a challenge but today I was tired.
People are so very wrong.
I am so tired of being perceived in the ways people seem to perceive me.
Because it's so much farther than the truth.
How can I be judged, when they have no idea, no inkling of an idea what i go through daily? They take for granted their ableness. Never thinking that one would
not be *able* to do something that is expected of you.

Joe is strange and a weirdo and a person in entire denial.
He's amusing and taken lightly. I am normally a person to take things lightly.

He takes for granted the things he can do easily.
And is a very very judgemental being.
His critisism hurts sometimes but today it hit somewhere else.

I am tired of being called lazy. I am tired of being called a loser because I won't get a job. (can't) in hidden fact or (very hard) i should say. *all in fun but not anymore. I am tired of being handicapped in disguise. Because i can't let it out, but i can't hold it in forever.

And that's true.. because i exploded today. Bits and pieces of my truth were splattered upon joe tonight. Not in detail, because i'm sure he could barely comprehend what i was saying anyway.

His *help* he calls it, is preaching. His *help* is criticism that makes my mind wander to thoughts of killing myself. His *help* hurts, and i couldn't take anymore help today.

I will not be treated that way. All the people who have gradually treated me that way have been exploded upon and deleted from my life. For good.

I can't take the pressures of what is expected of me.
I can't live up to what people think i should be.
I can't take the guilt that is thrown upon me that is supposed to be encouragement
to somehow just make me better and suddenly be someone i'm not.

I don't want any of it.

They're right. They ask, what will i do? I regret thinking of it because it requires my own demise. But they push and force, using guilt as their tool.

I've spent years thinking i'll get better.
But my years are coming to an end. My health insurance ends at 21. Age 21 is the end of the line. Age 21 is a matter of months. Age 21 means no more medication. Age 21 means i'm sure to go insane, without medication I turn into someone I don't even know.

It's only a matter of time.

This is all so scattered and probably makes no sense to anybody but me. But I'm tired.
I'm left with choices. Wait until my insurance runs out and i go insane?
Or am I already there? I think if i was anymore un-sane then this then I am surely to die. I wasn't meant to be here... this world is much to harsh for me

I don't understand why i'm being tortured like this.

I was truly tempted to eat of of the pills this house posessed, and to rid me of this pain tonight. But i didnt.
Why? I will just go on.... days will pass..... weeks will pass....

I let joe taste my darkness, he indeed was scared. He doesn't know me like that,
but he truly doesn't know me at all. He doesn't understand. Nobody really understands.
But i guess that's ok.. because i'm used to it.

I told him as i dropped him to his truck tonight. After I'd screamed and yelled all this fury built inside of me, he doesn't understand. Because he's just like everyone else. One of the people I would hate if it were under different circumstances.

He says he'll talk to me when i calm down. I don't want to calm down. I'm tired of being calmed down. I'm sick and tired of bull shit.

Justin... justin....
So many strong emotions for someone i've known for so very little of time.
It ranged from lust, to possibly a slight bit of chemistry, to the being used phase,
to anger, to boiling anger at the way he has wrongly assessed me. To determination to squash his sickeningly huge male ego.

Is that wrong? To want to squash one's confidence? It doesn't feel wrong. It actually feels very very good. Straighten him back in line so he knows he's in line right with the rest of us.

I'm not like the bimbo retards he is so normally attracted to.
I don't think he likes that. I'm most definately not the typical girl. Which is what at first I think lured him in. We both had a taste of new worlds. I fucked him, yes i did. And it required no more conversation. And as we got to know each other better I think we realized our major differences. He rather likes his ego and I feel obligated to inflate it because it makes me sick sometimes.

Some of these pills leave me blurry eyed. I was scared... earlier... I've been thinking recently ... should I be institutionalized? Truly? Before I sevver my life force?

I have glass. blood, makes me feel better.

I do'nt care how fucked up this all sounds. No apologies.

Rivethead.... you made a difference. Knowing that maybe somewhere out there in that giant world of ours, somebody does care, and seems to understand. It did make me feel better. Nobody sees me here, I"m invisible, nobody understands me here, I'm waiting for someone, anyone who understands to save me. But nobody ever does. And Nobody'sever coming.

i hate to end this post.
WHat will the morning bring........................
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(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2004|01:04 am]
[mood |suicidal]

I'm sitting here... In something like tears.
Feeling badly.
I feel like a bloodthirsty freak. Something of it soothes me.
I feel catatonic while drug-free and I'm feeling scared.
I'm thinking of words spoken today, and as I got quiet in that moment I fell backwards at least nine steps. I still can't take it.
To this day.. this very day... I can't take it. Days go by.. weeks go by.. a few years have gone by. I haven't gotten out of this hole. And i don't know how. And everybody is screaming at me to do it. But i have no way out. This hole is eating me.
And all the screaming hurts. I don't know what i'm doing, And I hate being this alone.
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kh [Aug. 27th, 2004|10:53 pm]
I saw Kill Hannah in concert This August... I was amazed! It was truly a great show in downtown St.louis. I want so badly to go to Chicago to see their last tour play....
(hopefully) I'll make it!!


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c r a p [Aug. 7th, 2004|09:08 pm]
[mood |blahblah]


Fucking round with

I've been playing with

Here's a strange form of me.

Also.. I've been compiling a
page full of weird art.. pictures... crap like that....

(here) if anybody really cares to take a
look or not

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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2004|07:20 pm]
[mood |exanimatewtf?]

Stop your searching

Happiness is right next to you.

I get the most bizzare fortune cookies.
Joe got one once that said he should go live on the moon..... that was amusing.
What the hell does that mean....

I'm restless.... I need something.
My life has so many blanks it makes me sick.
I need to stop being myself and be myself.

It contradicts itself but it makes sense to me.
I wish i could kill this other part of me, it's like a growth....
always weighing me down. If i could chop off this mind polluting
abcess I would. Only it's unfortunately attatched to me.. inside my head.
Like a leech..... sucking the life out of me.

I don't think it will ever go away.
It's keeping me from living.

I want so many things, but it won't let me have them. Not without a fight.
But lately i've been up for it... one of us is going down. I choose life..
It will hold me captive no longer.

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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2004|04:03 pm]
Well then
It's a new day
I think just maybe (maybe) i'm bringing myself back to life, with a little help.
Smoking justin's blacknmilds... They almost taste like chocolate. (almost)
Playa playa playa
Silly boy... silly me... to think he was different. What a disappointment... actually i didn't bring my hopes up because they are always let down. Therefore i will never get disappointed. All in good fun... but now it's from a new view. I let myself actually.... feel... something again. And I think it was for the better, because I've been bold and spontaneous.. and i feel alive again. I feel myself again. (almost)
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