[	mood	|	indifferent	]
[	music	|	Humming coldplay in my hed	]

Im sitting here............. My head is half alive and half numb. I've surpressed some things that can't find their way out. (got that sounds like i'm constipated) no... really.. that's not what i meant. Hmm. I have the neeed for speeeed. Literally in once sense and not literally in another. I'm feeling semi-surpressed, a part of me isn't being allowed to breath. Rather...... not looked upon as something good to do, so i don't do it. Looking at that sentence baffles me as i read it over, nobody tells me what to do. That sentence actually makes me angry. Angry at myself. But i'm stuck..... be all of me or part of me. part of me can be loved... but can the other part also? If i am all of myself will I lose something I care so much for? We're different. In different ways.. different but so the same. I'm feeling anxious...................... biting my lip and smoking cigarettes. Wishing i had some pot. Yes... i did say i wish i had some pot. Pills may be sufficient.. but we'll see. I'm something seen as a bad *nono* to this person when i openly forget to shut my mouth. I think about this... as I think about my past. About me being something that i wasnt. It ended up in the worst unhappiness imaginable. I don't want to repeat history.My history seems to have disappeared in the reality sense.... really........ it's strange. They're gone it seems.

The trick is to keep
breathing.

 

 

[

mood

|

anxious

]

It's almost
a high, being off meds and feeling withdrawals.... but a scary almost icky
type of high. I'm waiting patiently (or not so patiently) to feel better.

I have
a new subject to obsess about lately... here i go writing my personal thoughts,
but really, I don't rightly care. He's something of a new nature i haven't
quite understood yet. Very unlike me to be so curious about someone that
usually would bore me. But again, people aren't always what they seem,
I must remind myself. Whether for the better or worse, it's something to
think about. Curiosity has gotten the better of me. A part of me stands
by my side shaking it's head, wondering what is wrong with myself. But
the other part smiles it's flirty smile, up to something that even I don't
know about. He's so very not my typical subject.....

First
of all i said he, which is not typical of me at all. Impressions leave
my mind wondering how see-through he truly is, but much to my confusion
he turned out to be less transparent than i had suspected. Odd.

I've
set the goal to figure him out. It's so strange the vibes you get from
different people. I, the freak magnet find him interesting. But perhaps
the joke is on me, and he's a weirdo indiguise. But then again maybe not.

Who
am i to say after only one night of taunting?

But
still, I enjoy his company. Float trip is next weekend... an entire weekend
to find what struck my interest.

At least
he's fun... and I shan't be getting wasted alone, thenkfully. Though I
may have to murder mervin, we'll see how he keeps his manners.

[

mood

|

bored

]

Yay... my
very own blob.

am
i bored
yet?

        Things
have been crazy lately.... I have a lot of stuff up for auction on ebay
if anyone's interested in taking a peek at it..... I want i want i wanttttttt
Frustration plantation by rasputina. I'm deciding whether to break down
and buy it or not. I'm trying to force myself to have normalized socialization,
it failed me last time but i'll try again. Try try again. You can do it
(cheering for myself) I'm sitting in front of moldy chocolate, it's gross.
It's not supposed to look that way when you buy it, very disappointing.
Here's my ebay stuff....

Click......(here)
no... (HERE)

[

mood

|

discontent

]

I'm bored and tired.....

So glad aaron is doing
better, I think this is his second chance at life..... he's had a lot of
trouble in the past. Not that i can talk.....

I hate it when i get
songs in my head. I'm debating which rasputina album i like better, I think
cabin fever is excellently done... I've picked out the notes and am trying

to play *Gingerbread
Coffin* on the piano, but it would be much easier if i could find a midi
file so i can hear all the chords... but i can't find rasputina midis anywhere.
Frustrating. I want to go see Rasputina in concert again in chicago next
month, but due to money situations I don't know if i'll be able to make
it. I'm fairly sure i could talk my best freind joe into going.... i can
talk him into anything =) Not that rasputina would be by any means something
he would willingly want to listen to. Hes sucked into the *what's up muh
niggah* (c)rap. Maybe it's just me but i just don't get all that shit....
to me it's just bad noise. But i guess it's tough not to be sucked into
it when you live near st.louis, heartland of (cr)rap and thugs... It's
all amusing to me. I'm just glad i'm not a sucker.

Not that I blame him...
I love joe, he's so entirely gay, but a queen in denial. I feel bad for
him... beacuse he truly is gay, and he lives with his grandparents who
think that being gay is a deadly sin so he can't be himself. He's trapped
inside of himself and can't be who he wants to....

I think that's why we
get along so well. We're extreme opposites in too many ways to observe,
but when it all comes down to it, we're both the weirdos at the other end
of the spectrum. Funny which freinds stick by your side throughout life.....

This has been a very depressing
day...

Not that i've done anything
productive really...

Do you ever feel like
you wish somebody would just find you, sweep you off your feet and take
you to a new life? A new town? A new place? I do.... but in reality i have
to go out into the world and find someone to take me away....

But it's nice to wish....
being in love makes a person so much happier, me anyway. I've starved myself
from it for so long, it's hard to imagine how happy i was, or if i ever
could be again. Ahh here i go... midnight ramblings... i'd better stop.

I'm falling over in my
chair so maybe it's time to (try) to get some sleep.