||[Sep. 5th, 2004|02:16 am]
Everything inside of me is wrong.
This morning i felt so much better.
But tonight it all just snapped. Just like it always has. But i think i've really lost it this time. I'm too tired to gather the ruins of my exlosion and peice myself back to something that resembles me. Because it never really was me.
I hate people.
I hate people.
Everyday I think i hate people even more. They are so awfully mean to eachother, they're judgemental in nature and their perspectives are frivolous and small.
I thought about myself today. About who i used to be. And who I am now.
I counted down the explosions until it's just me and joe.
I thought to myself what I would do if I lost joe.
And the answer to that thought was That then i would be most utterly alone.
Today I think I was fragile...
I'm not totally sure why.
I felt myself being judged without words, Sitting on that couch I could feel it radiating in my entirety. I usually ignore it with a challenge but today I was tired.
People are so very wrong.
I am so tired of being perceived in the ways people seem to perceive me.
Because it's so much farther than the truth.
How can I be judged, when they have no idea, no inkling of an idea what i go through daily? They take for granted their ableness. Never thinking that one would
not be *able* to do something that is expected of you.
Joe is strange and a weirdo and a person in entire denial.
He's amusing and taken lightly. I am normally a person to take things lightly.
He takes for granted the things he can do easily.
And is a very very judgemental being.
His critisism hurts sometimes but today it hit somewhere else.
I am tired of being called lazy. I am tired of being called a loser because I won't get a job. (can't) in hidden fact or (very hard) i should say. *all in fun but not anymore. I am tired of being handicapped in disguise. Because i can't let it out, but i can't hold it in forever.
And that's true.. because i exploded today. Bits and pieces of my truth were splattered upon joe tonight. Not in detail, because i'm sure he could barely comprehend what i was saying anyway.
His *help* he calls it, is preaching. His *help* is criticism that makes my mind wander to thoughts of killing myself. His *help* hurts, and i couldn't take anymore help today.
I will not be treated that way. All the people who have gradually treated me that way have been exploded upon and deleted from my life. For good.
I can't take the pressures of what is expected of me.
I can't live up to what people think i should be.
I can't take the guilt that is thrown upon me that is supposed to be encouragement
to somehow just make me better and suddenly be someone i'm not.
I don't want any of it.
They're right. They ask, what will i do? I regret thinking of it because it requires my own demise. But they push and force, using guilt as their tool.
I've spent years thinking i'll get better.
But my years are coming to an end. My health insurance ends at 21. Age 21 is the end of the line. Age 21 is a matter of months. Age 21 means no more medication. Age 21 means i'm sure to go insane, without medication I turn into someone I don't even know.
It's only a matter of time.
This is all so scattered and probably makes no sense to anybody but me. But I'm tired.
I'm left with choices. Wait until my insurance runs out and i go insane?
Or am I already there? I think if i was anymore un-sane then this then I am surely to die. I wasn't meant to be here... this world is much to harsh for me
I don't understand why i'm being tortured like this.
I was truly tempted to eat of of the pills this house posessed, and to rid me of this pain tonight. But i didnt.
Why? I will just go on.... days will pass..... weeks will pass....
I let joe taste my darkness, he indeed was scared. He doesn't know me like that,
but he truly doesn't know me at all. He doesn't understand. Nobody really understands.
But i guess that's ok.. because i'm used to it.
I told him as i dropped him to his truck tonight. After I'd screamed and yelled all this fury built inside of me, he doesn't understand. Because he's just like everyone else. One of the people I would hate if it were under different circumstances.
He says he'll talk to me when i calm down. I don't want to calm down. I'm tired of being calmed down. I'm sick and tired of bull shit.
So many strong emotions for someone i've known for so very little of time.
It ranged from lust, to possibly a slight bit of chemistry, to the being used phase,
to anger, to boiling anger at the way he has wrongly assessed me. To determination to squash his sickeningly huge male ego.
Is that wrong? To want to squash one's confidence? It doesn't feel wrong. It actually feels very very good. Straighten him back in line so he knows he's in line right with the rest of us.
I'm not like the bimbo retards he is so normally attracted to.
I don't think he likes that. I'm most definately not the typical girl. Which is what at first I think lured him in. We both had a taste of new worlds. I fucked him, yes i did. And it required no more conversation. And as we got to know each other better I think we realized our major differences. He rather likes his ego and I feel obligated to inflate it because it makes me sick sometimes.
Some of these pills leave me blurry eyed. I was scared... earlier... I've been thinking recently ... should I be institutionalized? Truly? Before I sevver my life force?
I have glass. blood, makes me feel better.
I do'nt care how fucked up this all sounds. No apologies.
Rivethead.... you made a difference. Knowing that maybe somewhere out there in that giant world of ours, somebody does care, and seems to understand. It did make me feel better. Nobody sees me here, I"m invisible, nobody understands me here, I'm waiting for someone, anyone who understands to save me. But nobody ever does. And Nobody'sever coming.
i hate to end this post.
WHat will the morning bring........................